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the castle

there's a thing they don't tell you about grief how it hits you out of nowhere while you are watching a movie, or at the supermarket, going about your daily life when all of a sudden its like a stab in the heart and the same intensity of emotion crashes over you just like the day you lost your love.

they don't tell you about the emptiness or of the frustration that comes when you just want to reach into a picture go back to that very moment where you could touch them, breathe, laugh, love.

or that you almost feel them right there at the end of your finger tips but not quite.

but they also don't tell you how in the sadness you find strength how full you will feel when it's over you will feel them within you.

the wisdom they shared the memories all of that is real it still exists and so do they even though you can't see them, feel them, they are still there living and breathing with you their energy makes up part of you.

you will learn how you pick up each piece keep living even when you don't know if you can or how or where you will find the strength

day by day you'll put yourself back together the furniture in your castle might have moved the view out your window strangely different sometimes foggy often raining

and although you might feel you are missing a part of you the part that is your loved one who isn't there, if you look closely and you peel away the sadness you will see you have also gained some rooms in your castle the castle that is your life.

and as you go as you gain and lose and fall down and stand up rooms in your castle will be redecorated extentions to your castle added and maybe some rooms will only be visited sometimes sometime more frequent and sometimes not at all one of those rooms is grief one might be sadness

and there is one that is empty no matter how much you try and fill it that room will always remain empty don't worry that is how that room is meant to be when you accept it as being its perfect self you can start to accept you for being your perfect self

never fear and don't neglect your other rooms when you are lost in the darkness of grief the rooms that make up each memory you have lived the rooms of celebrations of wins of every experience that shaped you of every experience that contributed to the richness that is your life the ones that left you bruised and the ones that are at the very top of the castle when you were filled with such joy it felt as if you really were on top of the world herself.

climb the stairs to the top explore the dusty shelves visit the dark and damp basement enjoy the sun streaming through the windows before retreating to the shade of a hallway that you don't visit unless you are too hot

without rain you don't appreciate the sun without the darkness there is no light your castle has it all and you never need to fear one of your rooms you never need to lock a door forever explore nourish treasure love

treat yourself with the same love that you would to your castle let her grow expand change

let her be.

-Ashleigh Kendall

Photo by Han.


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